He who laughs, lasts.
— Mary Pettibone Poole
Long Retirement Jokes #1 to #7
Retirement Joke #1 of Seven Retirement Jokes
The item below was sent to me by George Fulmore, a San Francisco Bay resident who has reviewed many retirement books and loves my The Joy of Not Working, calling it the best retirement book ever written.
(I disagree with George. I agree with the BarnesandNoble.com reviewer
who called How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free the World's Best Retirement
Book.)
Fun Ideas for Retirees
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.
I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was
a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how
about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued
writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote
another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Guliani in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that Im retired. It's important to my health.
Retirement Joke #2 of Seven Retirement Jokes
The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor replies, "OK. Touch your elbow."
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head."
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah? What is it?" asks the retiree.
"You've broken your finger!"
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.
— Horace Walpole
Retirement Joke #3 of Seven Retirement Jokes
An elderly retired couple went to a doctor. The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly. Will you look at us?"
"Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love. "You are making love perfectly," the doctor said. "That will be $10."
They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing. On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this
for — I told you that you are making love properly!"
"She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her
house. A motel costs $20. You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from
Medicare."
He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.
— The Koran
Retirement Joke #4 of Seven Retirement Jokes
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory.
One day he came home and told his wife that it was time to retire
because he had been fired from his job.
She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they
fire you?"
"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too and she's going to retire."
Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour. He
will always use it in evidence against you.
— Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree
Retirement Joke #5 of Seven Retirement Jokes
(Note this retirement joke has been excerpted from The Joy of Not
Working: A Book for the Retired, Unemployed, and Overworked)
A retired man went to a doctor for a general check-up. The doctor told the retiree that everything was fine and that, in fact, he was"in real good shape for a man of 93."
"That's good to know because I'm getting married in two weeks," said the retiree.
"Getting married! That's wonderful! Who's the lucky bride?" asked the doctor.
The retiree replied, "She's a 27-year-old bar maid I met at the local pub."
"Only 27!" The doctor paused before he advised, "Then you will need some Viagra." The man replied, "No way, I never take drugs of any type. It's against my principles."
The doctor took some more time before he responded with: "You are in good shape, but nevertheless you are 93. May I suggest that you and your wife take in a boarder?"
"Why a boarder?" asked the retiree.
"Well, you know, at your age," winked the doctor, "you may not be able to do all the things a young woman would like a husband to do around the house. A boarder will be able to help."
The retiree shrugged and said, "I guess you are right," as he walked out of the office. A year later, the retiree, now 94, came back to the doctor for another checkup.
"How's married life?" asked the doctor. "Amazing, it couldn't be better. I should have remarried years ago."
"How's your wife?" asked the doctor.
"She's doing fine," announced the retiree, "and she's pregnant."
"Pregnant!" exclaimed the doctor. "I take it that you took in a boarder who has fit in quite well?"
"'Yes, and she's pregnant too," grinned the retiree.
Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.
— Václav Havel
Retirement Joke #6 of Seven Retirement Jokes
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop to replace an old rooster who was pretty mucn in retirement. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire for good. You should have been in retirement a long time ago."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens and three or four young hens? This will save you from having to enter retirement before your time."
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over. Full retirement will do you good."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer
grabs his shotgun and — BOOM! ! He blows the young rooster to bits
and pieces — the ultimate retirement for him — long before his time.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit — third gay
rooster I bought this month."
The moral of this story is straightforward! Don't mess with the older, retired individuals of this world. Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
Of all days, the day on which one has not laughed is the one most surely wasted.
— Sébastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort
Retirement Joke #7 of Seven Retirement Jokes
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife "Mother of Six," in
spite of her objections.
One night in their retirement years they go to a party. The man is ready to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion for so many years, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
— Mark Twain
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
— Erma Bombeck
Ten Short Retirement Jokes
#1 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes
When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement?
Before your boss does!
#2 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes
What does a government retiree miss most about not having a job?
Not being able to call in sick two or three times a month.
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#3 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes
How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it will take him two or three days to complete the job.
#4 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes
Why are retired people who are misers with their money so special?
They make wonderful ancestors.
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#5 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes
What do you call a worker who is of retirement age, hates his job,
and refuses to retire?
Flat broke!
#6 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes
When is it a retiree's bedtime?
Two hours after he falls asleep on the sofa.
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#7 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes
What do retirees call a long lunch?
A short lunch.
#8 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes
What is the typical retiree's greatest frustration?
Not being able to complete all the things he had planned to do that
don't need to get done in the first place.
#9 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes
What is the typical government retiree's idea of intense physical
exercise?
A brisk sit!
#10 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes
What is so special about the age sixty-five?
It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one's job through forced retirement.
Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have
the ability to enjoy it.
— Salma Hayek
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Retirement Poem about the Right Retirement Gift to Give to Retirees
You can say it with flowers
You can say it with wine
But to make her stinkin' sentimental
Say it with a Lincoln Continental.
— Robert Byrne
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