RETIREMENT QUOTES CAFÉ
                                                                              By Ernie J. Zelinski
 
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 THE RETIREMENT JOKES CAFÉ  

(A Comprehensive Collection of Retirement Jokes and Retirement Humor That You Can Use for Retirement Speeches, Retirement Parties, and Retirement Cards)

Retirement Jokes Image #1 - Laugh a Little Each Day 

 Retirement Jokes and Retirement Humor

Laugh a Little Each Day

Introduction to The

Retirement Jokes Cafe

One of the most satisfying times at work is either quitting time, visiting the Fun at Work Website, reading retirement books, or the time when you spell out your reasons to retire early and announce your retirement through one or more retirement letters and then make your retirement speech at a retirement party. Once you retire, however, you need some retirement jokes to keep up your spirits.

He who laughs, lasts.
— Mary Pettibone Poole

 

The Latest of All The

Retirement Jokes on This Website

A long-time retired, elderly couple were married for over sixty years. Although the man and women were not poor, they were far from being rich. They managed to get comfortably by skimping and watching their pennies.

The elderly man and women were both in excellent health for their age, mainly because of the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise since their sixties.

As fate would have it, the couples excellent health didn't help a bit when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed.

Being the good, honest couple, they wound up in Heaven.

When man and woman reached the pearly gates, they got a welcome from St. Peter who escorted them inside Paradise. First, St. Peter took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. The couple gasped in astonishment while St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked how much money all this luxury was going to cost.

"How much? Of course, nothing," replied St. Peter. 'You have earned this by being good during your lives and this is your reward: Heaven with all its blessings and luxuries."'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"I love golf but how much for the greens fee?" asked the old man. "I couldn't afford to play much more than twice a year on Earth."

"Remember, this is Heaven," emphasized St. Peter. "Play as much as you want and every time you golf you get it for free — always on the house, in other words."

 

Soon they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood, lamb chops, steaks, exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and all the over 200 varieties of wine.

 

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy"

 

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" the old man queried.

 

"This will amaze you, more than the fact everything is free," stated St. Peter with a smile on his face. "You can eat as much food and drink wine as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat, sick, or really drunk. This is Heaven!'

 

The old man was still not totally satisfied, "No gym to work out at?"

 

Not unless you actually want to exercise for the fun of it,' was the answer.

 

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or all the other tests my wife has asked me to do over the last twenty years or so."

 

"Never again," said St. Peter. "All you do here is enjoy yourself."

 

At this point, the elderly man glared at his wife and uttered, "You and your fucking bran muffins and all the other healthy stuff. We could have been here fifteen years ago!"

  

Retirement Jokes Image AB 

 

Long Retirement Jokes #1 to #7


Retirement Joke #1 of Seven Retirement Jokes

 

The item below was sent to me by George Fulmore, a San Francisco Bay resident who has reviewed many retirement books and loves my The Joy of Not Working, calling it the best retirement book ever written and one of the best retirement gifts you can give someone. I disagree with George. I agree with the BarnesandNoble.com reviewer who called How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free the World's Best Retirement Book. and [The World's Best Retirement Gift]

 

  Fun Ideas for Retirees

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

 

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

 

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

 

So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Guliani in '08."

 

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

 

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Retirement Joke #2 of Seven Retirement Jokes

 

The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."

 

The doctor replies, "OK. Touch your elbow."

 

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

 

The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head."

 

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell.

 

The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.

 

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem."

 

"Oh yeah? What is it?" asks the retiree.

 

"You've broken your finger!"

He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.
— The Koran


Retirement Joke #3 of Seven Retirement Jokes

 

An elderly retired couple went to a doctor. The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly. Will you look at us?"

 

"Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love. "You are making love perfectly," the doctor said. "That will be $10."

 

They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing. On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for — I told you that you are making love properly!"

 

"She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house. A motel costs $20. You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."

  

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.
— Horace Walpole


Retirement Joke #4 of Seven Retirement Jokes

 

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that it was time to retire because he had been fired from his job.

 

She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

 

"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

 

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

 

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too and she's going to retire."

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour. He will always use it in evidence against you.
— Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree

  Retirement Jokes Image - A Lady Riding a Stick Poney


Retirement Joke #5 of Seven Retirement Jokes

 

(Note this retirement joke has been excerpted from The Joy of Not Working: A Book for the Retired, Unemployed, and Overworked)

 

 

Age and Aging Book Cover #2

A retired man went to a doctor for a general check-up. The doctor told the retiree that everything was fine and that, in fact, he was"in real good shape for a man of 93."

 

"That's good to know because I'm getting married in two weeks," said the retiree.

 

"Getting married! That's wonderful! Who's the lucky bride?" asked the doctor. The retiree replied, "She's a 27-year-old bar maid I met at the local pub."

 

"Only 27!" The doctor paused before he advised, "Then you will need some Viagra." The man replied, "No way, I never take drugs of any type. It's against my principles."

 

The doctor took some more time before he responded with: "You are in good shape, but nevertheless you are 93. May I suggest that you and your wife take in a boarder?"

 

"Why a boarder?" asked the retiree.

 

"Well, you know, at your age," winked the doctor, "you may not be able to do all the things a young woman would like a husband to do around the house. A boarder will be able to help."

 

The retiree shrugged and said, "I guess you are right," as he walked out of the office. A year later, the retiree, now 94, came back to the doctor for another checkup.

 

"How's married life?" asked the doctor. "Amazing, it couldn't be better. I should have remarried years ago."

 

"How's your wife?" asked the doctor.

 

"She's doing fine," announced the retiree, "and she's pregnant."

 

"Pregnant!" exclaimed the doctor. "I take it that you took in a boarder who has fit in quite well?"

 

"'Yes, and she's pregnant too," grinned the retiree.

Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.
— Václav Havel

One of many Retirement Quotes for Those

Not Enjoying Retirement

Up, sluggard, and waste not life; in the grave will be sleeping enough.
— Ben Franklin

Retirement Joke #6 of Seven Retirement Jokes

 

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop to replace an old rooster who was pretty much in retirement. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire for good. You should have been in retirement a long time ago."

 

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens.

 

Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens and three or four young hens? This will save you from having to enter retirement before your time.

 

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over. Full retirement will do you good."

 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

 

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

 

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and — BOOM! ! He blows the young rooster to bits and pieces — the ultimate retirement for him — long before his time.

 

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit — third gay rooster I bought this month."

 

The moral of this story is straightforward! Don't mess with the older, retired individuals of this world. Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

Of all days, the day on which one has not laughed is the one most surely wasted.
— Sébastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort

 

Retirement Joke #7 of Seven Retirement Jokes

 

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

 

One night in their retirement years they go to a party. The man is ready to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

 

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

 

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion for so many years, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Retirement Jokes Image - Tennis Game

 

Bonus Joke about Retired Couple

 

A retired husband and wife in their 60s were dining at an expensive restaurant when a stunningly beautiful young woman in her late 20s came over, gave the husband a big kiss, and told him that she would meet with him later.

 

His wife glared at him and demanded to know, "Who is that?"

 

"What's the big deal," replied the husband. "That's my mistress."

 

"Your mistress!" snapped the wife. "I want a divorce and I want it now!"

 

"No problem," said the husband. "Just keep in mind that I have arranged that everything that I own is protected in an international corporate trust. You can sue me in divorce court but you will get very little — if anything at all."

 

"What this means," continued the husband, "is that there will be no more shopping trips to Paris for you, no more wintering in the Carribean and South America, no Mercedes for you to drive, and no more country club where the rich and sophisticated hang out. The decision is up to you."

 

Just then the wife noticed one of the couple's neighbors from the ritzy area where they lived. "Who's that young woman with Bill Richards?" asked the wife.

 

"That's Bill's mistress," answered the husband.

 

"Ours is much prettier," declared the wife proudly.

 

 

Another Bonus Joke

 

Two retired women meet on the street.

One asks the other: "Hello, how are you?"

The other one replies: "I'm fine, thanks."

"And how's your 50-year-old son? Is he still unemployed?"

"Yes, he is. But he tells me that he is spending a lot of time meditating now."

"Meditating? What's that?"

"I don't know. But it's better than him sitting around the house and doing nothing!"

Also see:

Funny Retirement Quotes

Workplace Office Humor

Funny Friendship Quotes and Sayings

Funny Quotes for Smart People

Fun Things to Do When You Retire

Top-25 Reasons Why Retirement Rocks (and Work Sucks)

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
— Erma Bombeck

 

Ten Short Retirement Jokes


#1 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes

When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement?

Before your boss does!

#2 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes

What does a government retiree miss most about not having a job?

Not being able to call in sick two or three times a month.

 

How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

 

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#3 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it will take him two or three days to complete the job.

#4 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes

Why are retired people who are misers with their money so special?

They make wonderful ancestors.

#5 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes

What do you call a worker who is of retirement age, hates his job,
and refuses to retire?

Flat broke!

 

#6 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes

When is it a retiree's bedtime?

Two hours after he falls asleep on the sofa.

 

#7 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes

What do retirees call a long lunch?

A short lunch.

#8 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes

What is the typical retiree's greatest frustration?

Not being able to complete all the things he had planned to do that don't need to get done in the first place. 

#9 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes

What is the typical government retiree's idea of intense physical
exercise?

A brisk sit!

#10 of Ten Short Retirement Jokes

What is so special about the age sixty-five?

It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one's job through forced retirement.

Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it.
— Salma Hayek

Retirement Jokes Image - Eating a Carrot

Can You Answer These

Retirement Questions?

  • Once you retire, what are you going to do about your identity that is so tied to work?
  • What will you do with your time if you have never learned how to enjoy your leisure?
  • What should you say to your spouse — and perhaps your parents — if you are retiring before them?
  • How will you relate to your friends who are still working while you are living the life of an aristocrat?


If You Can't, You Need

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of Over 14,000 Retirement Books Listed! 

Retirement Cafe Book

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Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
— Mark Twain

Bonus Retirement Joke

 

One weekend Joe was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance, Rolly. They loaded up Rolly's truck and headed into the mountains. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard as they approached the foothills.

 

They pulled into a nearby farm. An attractive retired woman answered the door. Joe and Rolly asked if they could spend the night.

 

"I know that it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm know that the neighbors will talk and tell the world if I let the two of you stay in my house."

 

"Don't worry," Joe replied. "The two of us will be happy to sleep in the barn. Once the weather breaks, we will be out of here immediately headed for the mountains." The woman agreed, and Joe and Rolly settled in for the night.

 

Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. Joe and Rolly left without saying goodbye. They made it safely to the mountains and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

 

Nine months later, Joe got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that Rolly and he had met on the ski weekend

 

He dropped in on Rolly at the coffee bar and asked, "Rolly, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

 

"Of course, I do." retorted Rolly.

 

"I am just curious," stated Joe. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, while I was fast asleep, and go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

 

"Yeah, I confess" Rolly sheepishly replied, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I admit that I did."

 

"And did you happen to use my name," continued Joe with his questioning, "instead of telling her your real name?"

 

Rolly's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, old buddy. I'm afraid I did. By the way, what brought this up? In other words, why do you ask?"

 

"She just died," declared Joe, "and left me everything in her will."

 Retiremeent Jokes Image #4

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Not 10 years from now!

N O W !

It is a mistake to retire too late in life because you don’t get another chance to do it right!

Retirement is a double-edged sword. You either make it work for you — or it will cut your happiness in half. The more you know about the secrets to a successful retirement, the happier you will be once you retire.

If you have ever longed to have more, to experience more, to BE MORE in retirement — than you have ever been any other time in your life — then  How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free gives you all the information you will ever need.

Retirement 

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COPYRIGHT © 2012 by Ernie Zelinski
Author of The World's Best Retirement Jokes Book
All Rights Reserved

   
 I will do today
what others won't,
so I will have
tomorrow what
others don't.
— John Addison
   
 
 
No organization — government or
otherwise — can take great care of you in retirement.     Organizations aren't capable of this — only  you are!
— from Life's Secret Handbook
 
 

OVER 200,000      COPIES SOLD 

How to Retire Happy on Amazon.com

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Surveys of seniors overwhelmingly      suggest that higher incomes don't drive satisfaction in   retirement. That said, there is a minimum
of income required to enjoy retirement.
— Dan Richards
 
 
 
 
I'm regularly asked     what my [retirement]  plan is, and I    deliberately don't have much of a plan. I've had lots of plans in my life and it might be nice to have a period      that is less planned.
— Malcolm Hamilton, Expert on Pensions 
& Retirement Planning
 
THE WORLD'S

 The World's Second Best Retirement Book at Amazon.com

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A CAREER BOOK FOR RETIREES WHO  WANT TO WORK IN   RETIREMENT BUT NOT    IN CORPORATIONS

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CAREER SUCCESS   WITHOUT A REAL JOB

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