RETIREMENT QUOTES CAFÉ
                                                                              By Ernie J. Zelinski
 
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 FUNNY RETIREMENT QUOTES

AT THE RETIREMENT QUOTES CAFÉ  

(A Comprehensive Collection of Funny Retirement Quotes and Funny Retirement Sayings for Women and Men That You Can Use for Retirement Speeches, Retirement Parties, and Retirement Cards)

Retiring Happy

 Funny Retirement Quotes and Retirement Sayings to

Help You Laugh a Little Each Day

Two of the most satisfying times at work are thinking about retirement and quitting time. Once you retire, however, you need some funny retirement quotes and retirement jokes to keep up your spirits and ensure that you are retiring happy. You may also need the most important reasons to retire early

First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

 #1 Quote of First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
— Gene Perret

#2 Quote of First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

As long as I get air conditioning in my cardboard box, I'll be OK [in my retirement].
— Barbara Whelehan, Bankrate.com Writer

#3 Quote of First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

Most people perform essentially meaningless work. When they retire that truth is borne upon them.
— Brendan Francis

#4 Quote of First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

Never ask old people how they are if you have anything to do that day.
— Joe Restivo

#5 Quote of First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

One of the problems of retirement is that it gives you more time to read about the problems of retirement.
— Unknown wise person 

#6 Quote of First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

The two most dangerous years of your life are the year you are born and the year you retire.
— Liz Davidson

#7 Quote of First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

Don't consider retiring from the corporate world until you have irritated enough people to make it worthwhile.
— Ernie Zelinski, author of How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free.

#8 Quote of First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

Retirement Age? For Many, It'll Be 80
— headline on Smart Money Website

#9 Quote of First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

Result for Many Americans When They Plug Their Financial Data into a Simple Retirement Calculator: "According to your latest figures, if you retired today, you could live very, very comfortably until 2 p.m. tomorrow."
— Dave Erhard

#10 Quote of First Top-Ten List of Funny Retirement Quotes

Like life, retirement can be full of surprises. Take when you retire, for example.
— Talbot Boggs

 

Second Top-Ten List of Retirement Quotations

 #1 Quote of Second Top-10 List of Funny Retirement Sayings

The idea is to die young, as late as possible.
— Ashley Montagu

#2 Quote of Second Top-10 List of Funny Retirement Sayings

My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
— Patty Doyle

#3 Quote of Second Top-10 List of Funny Retirement Sayings

Happiness is taking early retirement and spending all of my kids' inheritance before I die!
— Unknown wise person

#4 Quote of Second Top-10 List of Funny Retirement Sayings

I used to have dreams that I died at my desk.
Now that I've retired, I don't have those dreams anymore.
— Unknown wise person

#5 Quote of Second Top-10 List of Funny Retirement Sayings

I retired early for health reasons — my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.
— Unknown wise person

#6 Quote of Second Top-10 List of Funny Retirement Sayings

A happy retirement doesn't require oodles of  money, nor should it mean fighting the cat for food.
— Shelley Fralic, Vancouver Sun

#7 Quote of Second Top-10 List of Funny Retirement Sayings

He who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement.
— Unknown wise employee

#8 Quote of Second Top-10 List of Funny Retirement Sayings

Retirement: When you have given so much of yourself to the company that you don't have anything left that the company can use.
— Author Unknown

#9 Quote of Second Top-10 List of Funny Retirement Sayings

To some degree, most people worry about retirement. Many worry about not having enough money. Others worry about having to leave the comfort and community provided by the workplace. Still others worry about what they are going to do with their time. Of course, excessive worry about retirement can shorten your life expectancy so much that you need not be concerned about it.
— from How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

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  • 150,000 Copies Sold Already 
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#10 Quote of Second Top-10 List of Funny Retirement Sayings

In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day.
— Unknown wise person

 

Funny Retirement Quotes — The Worst Things

about Retirement

Funny Retirement Qutoes Image

Lord Tyrawley and I have been dead these two years, but we don't choose to have it known.
— Lord Chesterfield

Retirement? Are you kidding! Only one generation of Americans was ever fortunate enough to have the luxury of retirement. The rest of Americans will probably die in a Walmart parking lot while on duty [working in a retirement job].
— Unknown wise person, in response to an online retirement article

Retired: Just have to do what the voices in my wife's head tell me.
— Writing on a Retirement T-Shirt

In retirement, only money and symptoms are consequential.
— Mason Cooley

When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to tell the difference.
— Unknown wise person

Like the truth, retirement can set you free.
Or, like work, retirement can imprison you.
— Ernie J. Zelinski, writing in How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

More Humorous Retirement Sayings

and Humorous Retirement Quotes

humorous retirement quotes image

Ahhh Retirement: Fishing Yesterday, Fishing Today, Fishing Tomorrow!
— Unknown wise person

You think your job is tough — try trading with Ernie Zelinski. His job is not working, and he's been doing it successfully for the last 14 years.
— Keiko Ohnuma, Business Writer, Oakland Tribune writing about the book
The Joy of Not Working and it's author 

Age and Aging Book Cover #2

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  • Published in 17 Languages Including French 

Purchase The Joy of Not Working (The World's Second Best Retirement Book) through these direct links:

Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and despised.
 from the book
How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.
— David Letterman

If you won't find what you want to know about having a happy retirement in the Bible, you will find it in Shakespeare. And if you won't find it in Shakespeare, you will find it in Zelinski's How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free.
— Dave Erhard

Retirement: No clock, no deadlines, no stress, no money!
— Unknown wise person

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
— Mitch Hedberg

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
— Steven Wright

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
— Ella Harris

Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.
— Unknown wise person

 Funny Retirement Quotes — Paradox of Retirement

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.
— R.C. Sherriff

A gold watch is the most appropriate gift for retirement, as its recipients have given up so many of their golden hours in a lifetime of service.
— Harry Mahtar

Retirement is when the living is easy and the payments are hard.
— Unknown wise person

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.
— Chi Chi Rodriguez 

Funny Retirement Quotes — Problems of Retirement

If you have the time, you won't have the money. If you have the money, you won't have the time.
— Wolter's Law

The worst thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.
— Unknown wise person

Nothing ever comes out as planned.
— Seay's Law

Rounds of golf and hands of bridge do not a retirement make.
— from Retirement Rocket

No doubt God put me on Earth to  make a big difference by doing many remarkable things for humanity. I have fallen so far behind schedule, however, that I will never retire. In fact, I will never die at the rate I am going.
— Dave Erhard

The student who secures his coveted leisure and retirement by systematically shirking any labor necessary to man obtains but an ignoble and unprofitable leisure, defrauding himself of the experience which alone can make leisure fruitful.
— Henry David Thoreau

Be happy to retire — because you are a long time dead!
— from How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free by Ernie Zelinski

When you see some people work you wonder what they’ll do in retirement.
— Unknown wise person

NOTE: Also see Teacher Retirement Quotes on The Retirement Quotes Cafe

Funny Retirement Quotes Image #3A

Here Is Great Retirement News for You!

A much happier you and a more satisfying lifestyle are just around the corner. This is your chance to live the life of retirement that many people miss out on.

Not 10 years from now!

N O W !

Retire too early instead of too late! It is a mistake to retire too late in life because you don’t get another chance to do it right!

Retirement is a double-edged sword. You either make it work for you — or it will cut your happiness in half. The more you know about the secrets to a successful retirement, the happier you will be once you retire.

If you have ever longed to have more, to experience more, to BE MORE in retirement — than you have ever been any other time in your life — then  How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free gives you all the information you will ever need.

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RETIREMENT QUOTES CAFE WEBSITE COPYRIGHT © 2013
 
by Ernie J. Zelinski — All Rights Reserved
 
Author of The World's Best Retirement Book 

 

   
 I will do today
what others won't,
so I will have
tomorrow what
others don't.
— John Addison
   
 
 
No organization — government or
otherwise — can take great care of you in retirement.     Organizations aren't capable of this — only  you are!
— from Life's Secret Handbook
 
 

OVER 200,000      COPIES SOLD 

How to Retire Happy on Amazon.com

Purchase:

How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free on Amazon.com

Surveys of seniors overwhelmingly      suggest that higher incomes don't drive satisfaction in   retirement. That said, there is a minimum
of income required to enjoy retirement.
— Dan Richards
 
 
 
 
I'm regularly asked     what my [retirement]  plan is, and I    deliberately don't have much of a plan. I've had lots of plans in my life and it might be nice to have a period      that is less planned.
— Malcolm Hamilton, Expert on Pensions 
& Retirement Planning
 
THE WORLD'S

 The World's Second Best Retirement Book at Amazon.com

OVER 250,000      COPIES SOLD

Purchase:

  The Joy of Not Working on Amazon.com

 

 
 
   

A CAREER BOOK FOR RETIREES WHO  WANT TO WORK IN   RETIREMENT BUT NOT    IN CORPORATIONS

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CAREER SUCCESS   WITHOUT A REAL JOB

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