RETIREMENT QUOTES CAFÉ
By Ernie J. Zelinski
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THE RETIREMENT JOKES CAFÉ (A Comprehensive Collection of Retirement Jokes and Retirement Humor That You Can Use for Retirement Speeches, Retirement Parties, and Retirement Cards)
Retirement Jokes and Retirement Humor Laugh a Little Each Day Introduction to The Retirement Jokes Cafe One of the most satisfying times at work is either quitting time, visiting the Fun at Work Website, reading retirement books, or the time when you spell out your reasons to retire early and announce your retirement through one or more retirement letters and then make your retirement speech at a retirement party. Once you retire, however, you need some retirement jokes to keep up your spirits.
The Latest of All The Retirement Jokes on This Website A long-time retired, elderly couple were married for over sixty years. Although the man and women were not poor, they were far from being rich. They managed to get comfortably by skimping and watching their pennies. The elderly man and women were both in excellent health for their age, mainly because of the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise since their sixties. As fate would have it, the couples excellent health didn't help a bit when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed. Being the good, honest couple, they wound up in Heaven. When man and woman reached the pearly gates, they got a welcome from St. Peter who escorted them inside Paradise. First, St. Peter took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. The couple gasped in astonishment while St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked how much money all this luxury was going to cost. "How much? Of course, nothing," replied St. Peter. 'You have earned this by being good during your lives and this is your reward: Heaven with all its blessings and luxuries."' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "I love golf but how much for the greens fee?" asked the old man. "I couldn't afford to play much more than twice a year on Earth." "Remember, this is Heaven," emphasized St. Peter. "Play as much as you want and every time you golf you get it for free — always on the house, in other words."
Soon they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood, lamb chops, steaks, exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and all the over 200 varieties of wine.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy"
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" the old man queried.
"This will amaze you, more than the fact everything is free," stated St. Peter with a smile on his face. "You can eat as much food and drink wine as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat, sick, or really drunk. This is Heaven!'
The old man was still not totally satisfied, "No gym to work out at?"
Not unless you actually want to exercise for the fun of it,' was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or all the other tests my wife has asked me to do over the last twenty years or so."
"Never again," said St. Peter. "All you do here is enjoy yourself."
At this point, the elderly man glared at his wife and uttered, "You and your fucking bran muffins and all the other healthy stuff. We could have been here fifteen years ago!"
Long Retirement Jokes #1 to #7
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Retirement Joke #2 of Seven Retirement Jokes
The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor replies, "OK. Touch your elbow."
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head."
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell.
The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem."
"Oh yeah? What is it?" asks the retiree.
"You've broken your finger!"
Retirement Joke #3 of Seven Retirement Jokes
An elderly retired couple went to a doctor. The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly. Will you look at us?"
"Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love. "You are making love perfectly," the doctor said. "That will be $10."
They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing. On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for — I told you that you are making love properly!"
"She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house. A motel costs $20. You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that it was time to retire because he had been fired from his job.
She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"
"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too and she's going to retire."
A retired man went to a doctor for a general check-up. The doctor told the retiree that everything was fine and that, in fact, he was"in real good shape for a man of 93."
"That's good to know because I'm getting married in two weeks," said the retiree.
"Getting married! That's wonderful! Who's the lucky bride?" asked the doctor. The retiree replied, "She's a 27-year-old bar maid I met at the local pub."
"Only 27!" The doctor paused before he advised, "Then you will need some Viagra." The man replied, "No way, I never take drugs of any type. It's against my principles."
The doctor took some more time before he responded with: "You are in good shape, but nevertheless you are 93. May I suggest that you and your wife take in a boarder?"
"Why a boarder?" asked the retiree.
"Well, you know, at your age," winked the doctor, "you may not be able to do all the things a young woman would like a husband to do around the house. A boarder will be able to help."
The retiree shrugged and said, "I guess you are right," as he walked out of the office. A year later, the retiree, now 94, came back to the doctor for another checkup.
"How's married life?" asked the doctor. "Amazing, it couldn't be better. I should have remarried years ago."
"How's your wife?" asked the doctor.
"She's doing fine," announced the retiree, "and she's pregnant."
"Pregnant!" exclaimed the doctor. "I take it that you took in a boarder who has fit in quite well?"
"'Yes, and she's pregnant too," grinned the retiree.
One of many Retirement Quotes for Those Not Enjoying Retirement
Retirement Joke #6 of Seven Retirement Jokes
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop to replace an old rooster who was pretty much in retirement. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire for good. You should have been in retirement a long time ago."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens and three or four young hens? This will save you from having to enter retirement before your time.
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over. Full retirement will do you good."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and — BOOM! ! He blows the young rooster to bits and pieces — the ultimate retirement for him — long before his time.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit — third gay rooster I bought this month."
The moral of this story is straightforward! Don't mess with the older, retired individuals of this world. Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
Retirement Joke #7 of Seven Retirement Jokes
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.
One night in their retirement years they go to a party. The man is ready to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion for so many years, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Bonus Joke about Retired Couple
A retired husband and wife in their 60s were dining at an expensive restaurant when a stunningly beautiful young woman in her late 20s came over, gave the husband a big kiss, and told him that she would meet with him later.
His wife glared at him and demanded to know, "Who is that?"
"What's the big deal," replied the husband. "That's my mistress."
"Your mistress!" snapped the wife. "I want a divorce and I want it now!"
"No problem," said the husband. "Just keep in mind that I have arranged that everything that I own is protected in an international corporate trust. You can sue me in divorce court but you will get very little — if anything at all."
"What this means," continued the husband, "is that there will be no more shopping trips to Paris for you, no more wintering in the Carribean and South America, no Mercedes for you to drive, and no more country club where the rich and sophisticated hang out. The decision is up to you."
Just then the wife noticed one of the couple's neighbors from the ritzy area where they lived. "Who's that young woman with Bill Richards?" asked the wife.
"That's Bill's mistress," answered the husband.
"Ours is much prettier," declared the wife proudly.
Another Bonus Joke
Also see:
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Ten Short Retirement Jokes
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